Shining Through

So I have been extremely blessed this past month beyond belief. I have made one of my best friends in the world and I constantly thank God so much for her. As much as I know I have been there for her, the same if not more, I know she has been here for me. She constantly challenges me to be a stronger Christian. Even before she was a Christian she made me want to grow in my faith. And now that I can confidently say that she is going to be in Heaven with me, I am equally challenged by her. She makes me want to show people love like Jesus would and be there for them even when it looks hopeless. The way she has turned her life around constantly encourages me with the fact that with God all things are possible and all people can be changed with the love of God. It just baffles me, every time, with how fast you can love someone and never want anything bad to ever happen to them. And when something bad happens or they are upset you hurt and become emotional for them and their pain.

Well she has been gone for fall break now for 5 days and I have hated not being able to see her like I usually could. Skype just isn't the same as having her here. I was super nervous about her going home, because of all the temptations that would be around her. But of course my doubt was uncalled for as usual. She totally conquered it all and was on such a God high that she couldn't help but smile which equally made it impossible for me not to smile. Seeing my friends consumed with the love of Jesus is just something that never gets old to me.

After a couple good days there is always a fall right? So it came hard core for me today and wouldn't you know for her also. I have been having trouble with a class and after receiving an e-mail this morning it started my day off sucky. Then I went to Sioux City with my sister to shop and pick up another friend and me and Ash fought the whole way there. With her saying some things that were very hurtful and upsetting. On the way home me and my friend talked and it was good but with the talk I realized some points in my life where I was failing and that I missed the date yesterday of when my friend died a year ago. And through all of this I knew my other friend was having a bad day also and that I could not be there for her. With all of this going through my mind I started falling and falling fast. I have not been at that place for a long time and now again I remember how much I hate it.

I am good now but I hate that I just get that way. And most of all I hate that I couldn't be there for my friend today. She was having a terrible day and I was hours away. I hate that feeling most of all. The one were I feel completely helpless. I already felt like a failure and then I felt like I was failing as this friendship today. All I could do from hours away was pray and send her bible verses and I know that in some instances that just doesn't help them feel as good as having someone physically there for them.

Well I don't know were this post was going but here is where I have been today and where I have disappeared the last month. It has been one of the greatest months of my life and every single day I thank God for it. Through the sorrows and pain of life I know God will shine through.

‎"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." -Lamentations 3:22

Praise the God!

He is Compassionate.

Overwhelmed

I seriously can not explain the way I have felt the last week. It is a mix between complete exhaustion and utter happiness. The things God has shown me has left me absolutely speechless. I love how He can take the struggles that I have been having since I moved back to Wayne and shatter them on the ground. Yes, occasionally I will still see the struggles come at me face to face but the battle sword of God is drawn and I am now ready and strong enough to fight it again.

This last week I have been beyond blessed. There is just no other way I can think to phrase that. I have met beyond amazing people and I have been in complete amazement at how the Lord is using me, (if at all) I guess I like to think He is in this area anyway. :) He has put these amazing people in my life and every single day I am being challenged. Challenged to love more, be more understanding, and never lose hope that the things that seem impossible can happen. These people consume my mind in prayer. I pray that I can be of any help to them, that they can see the joy I have with the Lord, and that they themselves will understand how that joy can become possible to them as much as it is to me. They are more than worth it and they are beyond wanted by Jesus. That no matter where they are in their life they can come as they are and be redeemed by the blood of Jesus and the love that God shows and showed us, day to day.

As to the it being so exhausting, here are some of the reasons: I am working crazy hours. I have worked the last 2 weekends until 2a.m. and then work every Monday until 2a.m and of course have to work this weekend also. So with those hours I am so tired. Plus then of course those nights I am not working I am still up until at least 2 spending time investing in my friends lives or trying extremely hard to catch up on homework and next day test. And among the physical exhaustion there is the complete mental drainage. I am constantly pouring myself out and being more vulnerable than I think I have ever been in my life and it is absolutely killing me. To the point that I can not help but break down, be emotional, and crying. I have been pushed to the limits in so many areas that I have come to a spot were all I can do is rely solely on God (which is great but can be hard). I know that I am going to be alright and this exhaustion will seize to consume my life but until then I am just going to keep praying, day in and day out for someone to come into my life to fill me, for strength and energy, and most importantly for faith that it is all going to glorify God in the end.

Praise the Lord!

He is a challenging God.

Junior Year

Wow it as been a long time.
This year has been really crazy. Already have been facing some ups and downs. And I think I have been more emotional this year than I have ever been in my complete life. I seriously have about broke down in tears many times already this year. That there is just really hard for me to even think about. I guess you would have to know me somewhat to know that.
Anyway, through all of this and the very hard challenges and trials that I have been having to face daily, I still see God more glorious than ever. I am striving to remain faithful to Him everyday, and in the return, to that attitude, I think it helps my mindset to see Him also remain faithful to me. Yes I wish it would just be easy and I would know what I needed to do but if this is the way it has to be I am going to find God through it.
I just need to focus my attention on the positive things that are going on and happening daily. Like college group for example. I am so pumped up about that. It is going to completely rock my world this year.

Praise God.
He is Faithful!

Grace

Ok so I am doing pretty well. The same as I have been I guess, have my ups and downs, fails and wins.

This Thursday I was blessed with the opportunity to go to Wayne and stay the night with Kayla. Before me and Kayla met up I got to meet up with Sarah (my mentor) and watch the end of the swim meet. It was so great seeing her. Honestly it is so weird we can talk about nothing serious and just joke around the whole time and I feel so encourages and uplifted when I leave her. I absolutely love that and totally made me a little more excited about going back to Wayne, which I am having a hard time accepting. Then I got to see Laura G. who I haven't talk to in forever so that was great. Then it was off to Kayla's. It was great we just sat around all night and chatted. The usual and it was so good. I need some just sit around time I feel like I fly through every week never taking a breath. Then Friday afternoon Becca and Tia came over and we grilled out. It was really good and we had some legit convo's which are always my favorite. :) But there are 2 convo's that really stick out and one is when Kayla talked about how Christianity is the only faith that has grace, then Becca mentioned how we as Christians receive so much grace, that we could never understand, but yet we are probably the section of the population that offers the least amount of grace. Uhh, I totally agree with this and I hate that. Doesn't that just make you want to do something or at least make you stop and think.
The weirdest thing is just going on in my life and I can not get away from the subject of grace (which I think is great). At Converge we are going through Galatians and the Gospel. Everything and every subject we go through comes back to grace. Grace saved/saves us. And through my life I am just seeing this more and more. I would not be where I am today without this beautiful gift. I honestly think this is what I, along with everyone, needs to work on. We are to strive to be like Jesus and He was full of it. Why is this concept so hard for me to grasp and so hard for me to show. Yes I am not perfect, and I know this, but I could be better and working on showing grace to everyone I encounter is a great way to improve myself. We can reach so many people if we show grace the way Jesus did and God blessed us with. As children of God why wouldn't we do this. I challenge you to consider this. Work on how you show grace to people and I will try to as well.

Praise the Lord.

God made grace.

Joy

So here is a little update on my life this past week.

This week from what I can remember has been great. Some stressful and exhausting moments mixed in there with the children but for the most part absolutely great. I think I am just going to go through all the days that have had amazing ups and downs, a little backtracking.

June 30th- I met up with a girl (Kaylin) that contacted me through facebook. It was absolutely amazing. We went on a long walk and got to know each other. Something we have been trying to do all summer.

July 2nd- Was just a mainly terrible day. The one I am pretty sure some blog points came from. But it was also a great day because I got to hang out with some friends that I dearly love and enjoy being with.

July 3rd- I met up with Kaylin, surprisingly, again and we went to the movies. She is great and it was kind of our farewell before she left for California for a month.

July 4th- Was kind of hard. The forth is kind of a family holiday so not having one close or really even available (they all had other plans) at the time kind of sucked. I didn't want to sit at the house I lived at but had nothing to do. So I ended up waking up after telling myself I wasn't going to, and got up and went to church. Which was great as usual. Then went shopping for a little bit and went back to the house and did random things until I went to Morgan's later. Having her so conveniently placed close to me has been a true blessing this summer.

July 6th- Was all three of the boy's birthday parties. I was so nervous and stressed about everything. I had to try to keep them distracted and out of everything until 5 and then had to stay and watch them all night. It was just absolutely insane, but no one got hurt so praise the Lord.

July 8th- We took the boys to Pizza Machine, and OML was it not a good idea. Sam had 4 hours of sleep with him, Ben is always a struggle but was the best of all three, and Eli was to small for everything and on top of that not feeling the best. I don't think I was ever as flustered about Sam as I was all Thursday. It started out bad with him and ended bad with him. For sure he is one of the hardest parts of the job.

July 9th- Was good. I traveled down to Lincoln and met up with my sister and Lindsey. Ashley and I got tattoo's and I love mine. It was kind of a stressful day for Ashley but it was great seeing her. It had been a long time. Then I got back to Omaha and went out to eat with Chrissy and Morgan. After that we went to Converge and it was absolutely amazing. The message was all about being freed and the grace of God. So inspiring.

July 10th- The day was pretty good with the boys and the night was great. Me and Tyler went to a wedding of some of his old college friends. I met some new people and had a great time. I laughed and danced the night away.

July 11th- So amazing. Church was absolutely amazing. We talk about the warfare that we face that is not of this world and how God's name is power and nothing can shake it. Then came back to the house and worked on another one of my devotions for College Group. Working on them just totally motivates me with doing more things. Then I met up with Brittney and Linsey for the first time this summer. I so did not realize how much I missed them. They are so great and can make me laugh for hours. I randomly decided tonight that I think I am going to start a Bible study next year. I wasn't even considering it and then it just hit me. And also I was informed that Eli now knows how to crawl out of his crib. Which might be the worst news I have ever received in my life. Ok obviously a little dramatic there but honestly that is terrible news. Now absolutely everything changes, for real. :S I am honestly very worried about this. Like I don't even know what to do. Maybe prayer for me to calm down about this would be nice. :)

Ok so that is my life the last week and a half. But to wrap it up I would just like to say that through it all the good is what is sticking out and I feel so blessed.

Praise the Lord.

He is the God who brings joy.

Helplessness

Ok so I have acknowledged another one of my 2 billion struggles in life today. I am reading a book, "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and honestly not loving it right now but I am pretty sure it is, now, to the kick off point, it just took a while to get there. But anyway as I look back to the past stuff I have read I am beginning to appreciate it a little more. I didn't really apply it the way that he was discussing in the book or even to the same topic but it helped me focus my mind on this new discovered struggle. So as the book was talking about things that can block your mind about the Holy Spirit or struggles that you are facing with living complete lives with the Holy Spirit as your guide, I was upset. I thought that I honestly wasn't seeing any of the topics discussed play out in my life and that I truly and completely wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit and go as He led. But through all of this I come to discover my block from my complete submission to the Spirit.
It is not that I want to be in complete control of my life, because trust me I totally do not. Sometimes (most of the times) I wish God would just take away my free will so I would always please Him and live undoubtedly for Him. It is the fact that I feel helpless, and not like I am the one in need of being helped. It is the helplessness that I feel because I can't and don't know what I can do for my friends and family and on occasion myself.
I don't even know how to help a friends. I never know what to say. I don't know how to bring up my favorite topic, the Holy Spirit, in conversations. I don't know where the Holy Spirit is leading me. I don't know how to do anything.
Did you notice all the "I's" above. God is the only one that knows how to do all the above. God is the only one that knows where to take and lead me. All I can do is sit and pray about it, and if the Holy Spirit does direct me somewhere in life or in a conversations, to go with it no matter what. Only through God are things possible.
So there I got the thing down. Yah don't think so! Even though all the above I believe as truth I do not have it down. Here is where I struggle. I know that I am helpless and that everything in my life has to be done through God but honestly that makes me kind of mad sometimes. I want to feel important and like I did something for someone. Man I sound so selfish, but I am being honest. I want to be able to know that I did something right or made a difference in someones life. I want God to be the one that did it through me and yes I want Him to get the glory but I want God to slap me in the face or something and tell me it worked out and through Him I did something good. I want to know that God used me somehow. I want to know that I can do more than just sit and pray. That I can reach people and help in some way.
I don't want to feel like a helpless person.
I want to feel like an instrument of God's.

God is Healer.

Praise the Lord.

Fraternal Twins

Ok so the last post was so random and really didn't not make any sense to what I was actually really getting at. Well kind of but not. So after reading it again I am going to clarify:

1) I absolutely love listening to my friends. It is one of my favorite things in the world. I love when a friend will come to me and talk. It is like I actually matter for that second in someone else's life. I seriously don't know what I would do if my friends didn't come to me to talk.

2) Me not being able to talk to someone is totally my fault. It is not because of the lack of friends I have, or the fact that they won't listen. I know that most of my friends would love to listen just as much as I love listening to them. I have great friends and I honestly couldn't ask for more.

3) I am going to be ok. God always pulls me through and makes me learn and grow so much from my random moments.


Ok so for a new post all together.

So I have been going through this situation basically since the summer started. It has been completely uplifting, challenging, heart breaking, ridiculous, etc... So a brief about the situation. There is this person that totally reminds me of another person that I feel I failed in my life with. So because of this I think I am totally drawn to talk to them. Because with talking to them I am reminded of someone that I miss and failed at being a friend to. Everything about them really reminds me of the other. It is so weird. I honestly think that God did this on purpose. It is like my second chance. It is so amazing and I thank God so much for it. But at the same time I keep getting thrown back down about it all. I think I am failing all over again and I hate it. I don't know what to do to make it right and I think soon it is going to be too late. So basically I feel like I am losing the same person twice. I know I should stay positive and not give up but it is so hard. I am really trying everything I can think of. I even opened up a little to see if that would help. But to the point, I am really just going to ask for, all of you that reads this, prayers. The power of prayer is strong and I would love some on this subject. Just the strength to stay positive and to keep trying with the little time left, and also just for the other person as they are going to be going through some very hard stuff very soon.

Thank you all so much. God bless.

Praise the Lord.

God is persistent!