Helplessness

Ok so I have acknowledged another one of my 2 billion struggles in life today. I am reading a book, "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and honestly not loving it right now but I am pretty sure it is, now, to the kick off point, it just took a while to get there. But anyway as I look back to the past stuff I have read I am beginning to appreciate it a little more. I didn't really apply it the way that he was discussing in the book or even to the same topic but it helped me focus my mind on this new discovered struggle. So as the book was talking about things that can block your mind about the Holy Spirit or struggles that you are facing with living complete lives with the Holy Spirit as your guide, I was upset. I thought that I honestly wasn't seeing any of the topics discussed play out in my life and that I truly and completely wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit and go as He led. But through all of this I come to discover my block from my complete submission to the Spirit.
It is not that I want to be in complete control of my life, because trust me I totally do not. Sometimes (most of the times) I wish God would just take away my free will so I would always please Him and live undoubtedly for Him. It is the fact that I feel helpless, and not like I am the one in need of being helped. It is the helplessness that I feel because I can't and don't know what I can do for my friends and family and on occasion myself.
I don't even know how to help a friends. I never know what to say. I don't know how to bring up my favorite topic, the Holy Spirit, in conversations. I don't know where the Holy Spirit is leading me. I don't know how to do anything.
Did you notice all the "I's" above. God is the only one that knows how to do all the above. God is the only one that knows where to take and lead me. All I can do is sit and pray about it, and if the Holy Spirit does direct me somewhere in life or in a conversations, to go with it no matter what. Only through God are things possible.
So there I got the thing down. Yah don't think so! Even though all the above I believe as truth I do not have it down. Here is where I struggle. I know that I am helpless and that everything in my life has to be done through God but honestly that makes me kind of mad sometimes. I want to feel important and like I did something for someone. Man I sound so selfish, but I am being honest. I want to be able to know that I did something right or made a difference in someones life. I want God to be the one that did it through me and yes I want Him to get the glory but I want God to slap me in the face or something and tell me it worked out and through Him I did something good. I want to know that God used me somehow. I want to know that I can do more than just sit and pray. That I can reach people and help in some way.
I don't want to feel like a helpless person.
I want to feel like an instrument of God's.

God is Healer.

Praise the Lord.

Fraternal Twins

Ok so the last post was so random and really didn't not make any sense to what I was actually really getting at. Well kind of but not. So after reading it again I am going to clarify:

1) I absolutely love listening to my friends. It is one of my favorite things in the world. I love when a friend will come to me and talk. It is like I actually matter for that second in someone else's life. I seriously don't know what I would do if my friends didn't come to me to talk.

2) Me not being able to talk to someone is totally my fault. It is not because of the lack of friends I have, or the fact that they won't listen. I know that most of my friends would love to listen just as much as I love listening to them. I have great friends and I honestly couldn't ask for more.

3) I am going to be ok. God always pulls me through and makes me learn and grow so much from my random moments.


Ok so for a new post all together.

So I have been going through this situation basically since the summer started. It has been completely uplifting, challenging, heart breaking, ridiculous, etc... So a brief about the situation. There is this person that totally reminds me of another person that I feel I failed in my life with. So because of this I think I am totally drawn to talk to them. Because with talking to them I am reminded of someone that I miss and failed at being a friend to. Everything about them really reminds me of the other. It is so weird. I honestly think that God did this on purpose. It is like my second chance. It is so amazing and I thank God so much for it. But at the same time I keep getting thrown back down about it all. I think I am failing all over again and I hate it. I don't know what to do to make it right and I think soon it is going to be too late. So basically I feel like I am losing the same person twice. I know I should stay positive and not give up but it is so hard. I am really trying everything I can think of. I even opened up a little to see if that would help. But to the point, I am really just going to ask for, all of you that reads this, prayers. The power of prayer is strong and I would love some on this subject. Just the strength to stay positive and to keep trying with the little time left, and also just for the other person as they are going to be going through some very hard stuff very soon.

Thank you all so much. God bless.

Praise the Lord.

God is persistent!

The Perfect Attach

Yep so read through this blog and it makes no sense so feel free to not read it. I am going to post it though because it has been a while. Ha.

So I probably haven't been very good at updating anyone with my life lately. I am not just talking about through this blog but in life completely. I mean I guess that is kind of how I have always been. I am the listener. The person that is there when needed. I never have good advice but I never turn my ears away from someone hurting. So with this personality I have made myself to fit it. I don't tell what is bothering me and I don't open up about anything that is not surfacey, I need to be there for them. So as I have been having a great/bad last couple weeks I have been just dying to talk about it.

To the good: I am in love with the Lord and I can not stop thinking about Him. Yes I know people know this about me but I have just been in complete awe lately. I am doing a one year reading plan through the Bible and I am now in like Exodus 20. It is going great and even with the fact that I have known these stories since infancy I am still totally in awe of what God has done through people and through even me. He is so powerful. Then there is the whole doing my devotions for the Journey College Group that is totally challenging me to go out of my comfort zone. Then of course there is Converge an amazing young adult group that meets on Friday nights and the great church services on Sunday. And last but totally not least is the amazing friends I have that are so encouraging. So with all of this you can probably see that I should be beyond great. Which I am most of the time.

However last night something happened. I had an amazing day. I still woke up early to Ben knocking on my door at 7:30 to come out and play. It was my day off so I didn't get out of bed and felt kind of bad about it actually because he even said please a whole bunch of times, which never happens. But I remained in my room because I had a lot to do before noon. So I then got a call from my dad which was super awkward. We talked about his Will and what I was going to receive if he died. Um pretty sure that is not a conversation that I wanted to have right after I woke up or really ever. So after that I got ready, ate breakfast and had some free times so I did my first Journey College Group devotion. Oh I was freaking out about it. I read that passage like a month ago and have been thinking about it ever since. It took me two hours to do and I was still freaking out about it so I sent it to Justin to read over and check. Then after that I met up with Tyler and his friend Ella and we went to drive around North Omaha. I have had a desire to go there because of the motivation I get after seeing God's people suffer. So that was great and then we went to Hubble Park (I think that is what it is called) and drove around. It was so sweet. Not going to get into all of that. Then there was a great supper with them and Kylie and Kate, prayer we had before Converge to pray over everything to come, and an amazing message at Converge. When that was all over we went with a lot of people to this beautiful house by Gretna that was beyond amazing. They had a huge outdoor pool and an amazing view you couldn't help but be in awe of everything God has blessed the family with and the awe of the stars and nature all around. My day was beyond amazing. But then something happened.

To the title: I am in an absolutely amazing mood. I have had a great day of getting into God's Word and a great day of fellowship. But it is like nothing can keep me happy. Throughout the whole day I was actually feeling weird, I was having the devil feed me lies, and I was believing them. As I am sitting and enjoying myself in God's presence I also have a heart hurting and a mind going crazy. And it is all about the stuff talked about above. It is about the not opening up to people and not knowing how or if I even can. I have a hunger to talk to someone and I know my friends would be there but I don't know how to address it. I don't know how to go up to someone and say, "So the devil is attaching me, even though I my look great, and I am lost. I am learning so much right now about God and the Holy Spirit but yet I feel empty. I can literally fill the Holy Spirit at times but yet I have no idea what He wants me to do. Prayer about brings me into tears lately but I can't even talk to a friend." You can't just go say that to someone. Ha. Anyway this blog is long enough. I'll let you know where this goes later. :)

Faithful Provider

So it has been a while and I honestly have know idea what I have been up to. Really this whole last week has been a blur. But I'll attempt to update you with what I can. The boys from what I can remember where good. Wednesday was kind of crazy Eli had to to go the hospital because we thought he broke his arm. Oh man I was the only one here and I felt so bad. But all is good and he just did something to his elbow so he was unable to move it until the doctors did something. Then Thursday was suppose to be my first day all alone with all of the boys but the flu has went through the house and Tami and Sam had ended up with it Thursday so she took off of work. So I took Eli and Ben to the park all morning and then made lunch and put Eli to bed and took Ben the the swimming pool all afternoon. It was so much fun. We just played in the pool all afternoon and I got extremely sunburned. Then Friday was my day off but I worked all afternoon but when I left at 6 I ended up having a great day. Went and ate with Tyler, went to Converge (heard an amazing testimony), then me and Tyler went to Papillion Days watched fireworks, ate a monarch wing, walked around, and ran into some people from Converge. It was really something I needed. God is just the constant provider of all I need.

As to the title. I am doing a reading plan for the Bible and I just finished Genesis. It was great and though I have read most of it before it was absolutely amazing. I have realized that it was just full of God's promises and God's never failing, always faithful answer to them. He had promised to make Abraham's ancestors into many nations and after year of him waiting that is just what He did. He promised Joseph protection and wealth and God provided. Everything the Lord promised was in no way fabricated. He was a faithful provider in everything He had promised. Oh how God just amazes me. And the power He has is just astounding. Oh the fear of God I think was just so much more understood back then. We should fear our great God that has the power to give and take what He sees fit.

I Took A 360

So I am back in Nebraska, and oh how I thank God.

So here is how I took a 360 (yes I know you usually would say 180).

So I started this summer out on a high. I was loving everything. I had amazing friends, a new environment to explore, and most of all I could not stop feeling and seeing God work in my life. Oh man, it was amazing.


Then these last couple weeks hit and I was having to do more searching and work to feel and see God, I was not able to see my friends for a while, and the environment I was tired from or sick of it changing. Let me explain these a little more. I had over a two week span where I was unable to see or even really granted the option to talk to my friends. It started when I left for Kansas which was good and then got back to Omaha and got super sick for the whole week. I finally felt better on Friday but Friday I had to wake up at 5 a.m. and prepare for the family vacation that I went on with the family I am nannying for. I was excited and nervous for it as I have mentioned in other post. We were suppose to leave Friday and be back Wednesday evening. Well we ended up leaving Friday and getting back Friday late afternoon, and I was in a bad mood. Ha. I was extremely tired from the week and I really was struggling with the not having any Christian fellowship for over two weeks. I missed having people that I could actually talk to, people that didn't tell me they hated me, and people that didn't bite and hit me. I wanted a day where I got to sleep in past 6:30 and a day were I got to choose what I did for the day. It was so challenging.


But here I am now. Back to my start. Back to my joy. They might be different reasons but I am feeling and seeing God again, I am enjoying the boys again, and I am just simply happy. I don't know what gave me this change but I am 100% sure that my loving Father planned it. I honestly think it is a lot of things that have been happening that have changed this. The fact that I have started a bible reading plan so I have an actual assignment I have to read everyday and can't skip, that I decided to look back at these last couple weeks, or that I could not stop smiling today and seeing God in everything even if Eli threw up on me. The Wisconsin trip was amazing now that I look back on it. The boys, I feel, are starting to like and trust me more and it was all a new experience for me, my friends are still amazing and I am so glad I have been blessed with them in my life, and God is sill the same as he has always been, I just opened my eyes and heart again.

God is really so great. I love Him. He is just constantly blessing me and showing me new things even if it takes me a couple weeks to see it. I need to stop being selfish and see this continuously.


Praise God!
He is constant!

Wisconsin Here I Come

So I have been doing pretty good. Minus my crazy illness that I have come down with (literally I sometimes can't get up.) But anyway that might come up later. The boys were so good on Monday. I had left last Thursday night and didn't come back until Sunday night so they had some time without me. It was crazy I really kind of missed it here in Omaha and with them. Which I really have no idea why sometimes. So they had a long break from me and I got back and got to hear stories about how they asked about me everyday and how Ben would run down to my room and see if I was there. Which was really nice hearing that because he is the (about) four year old that calls me a stupid a** and says he hates me and wants me gone 24-7. So to hear that was really encouraging. So Monday was good we played outside all day long, literally, me and Ben went inside for lunch and that is it. The rest of the afternoon we were in the water and lets just say that I got majorly burnt. Oh well though, a little suffering for fun and good kids is ok. Then came today and yesterday which wasn't so good. The weather wasn't the greatest and they are use to me again so all is back to normal.
But Friday we leave early in the morning for Wisconsin. I am super excited but super nervous at the same time. I am so excited to actually leave the states of Nebraska or north Kansas. I never really went on vacation as a kid because of family stuff so this whole thing is all new to me. I have no idea what to expect, which is kind of exciting. However, I am nervous because I have a very long car ride with the boys that hate me and a long week in the same close area as them. At the house they kind of get a break from me because I am down stairs and they can't see me. Plus, I am nervous it might be awkward. I will be meeting Dale's family and just being there with them in general makes me nervous. But I am going to remain positive. Really I have met all of Tami's family. It is going to be ok. :)
Ok so this weird sickness, it progressed all through the day from about passing out that morning to last night. I think I was close to death last night, but my faithful and loving Father pulled me through it after making me cry and suffer for long enough. I seriously have never hurt so bad in my life, it was a burden to breath and that is no fun. At one in the morning I about called it quits and went up to wake Tami and Dale. It is so strange my whole body goes weak and my thoracic and cervical vertebra and chest feel tight but swollen at the same time so every breath was bringing me to tears. And if you know me at all it takes a lot for that to happen, ha. But I finally fell asleep and woke up when I broke my fever. I felt much better, by that I mean I could breath, I now just had a stomach ache which I would much rather have. So I am hoping the worst of this is over, I have had random trouble today but for the most part really good in the breathing area. Please just pray that I heal because it would not be fun going through that ever again in my life, especially in Wisconsin.

I well give update when we get back. And maybe I'll get back in my routine of writing what God has been teaching me again. :)

God Bless!