The Perfect Attach

Yep so read through this blog and it makes no sense so feel free to not read it. I am going to post it though because it has been a while. Ha.

So I probably haven't been very good at updating anyone with my life lately. I am not just talking about through this blog but in life completely. I mean I guess that is kind of how I have always been. I am the listener. The person that is there when needed. I never have good advice but I never turn my ears away from someone hurting. So with this personality I have made myself to fit it. I don't tell what is bothering me and I don't open up about anything that is not surfacey, I need to be there for them. So as I have been having a great/bad last couple weeks I have been just dying to talk about it.

To the good: I am in love with the Lord and I can not stop thinking about Him. Yes I know people know this about me but I have just been in complete awe lately. I am doing a one year reading plan through the Bible and I am now in like Exodus 20. It is going great and even with the fact that I have known these stories since infancy I am still totally in awe of what God has done through people and through even me. He is so powerful. Then there is the whole doing my devotions for the Journey College Group that is totally challenging me to go out of my comfort zone. Then of course there is Converge an amazing young adult group that meets on Friday nights and the great church services on Sunday. And last but totally not least is the amazing friends I have that are so encouraging. So with all of this you can probably see that I should be beyond great. Which I am most of the time.

However last night something happened. I had an amazing day. I still woke up early to Ben knocking on my door at 7:30 to come out and play. It was my day off so I didn't get out of bed and felt kind of bad about it actually because he even said please a whole bunch of times, which never happens. But I remained in my room because I had a lot to do before noon. So I then got a call from my dad which was super awkward. We talked about his Will and what I was going to receive if he died. Um pretty sure that is not a conversation that I wanted to have right after I woke up or really ever. So after that I got ready, ate breakfast and had some free times so I did my first Journey College Group devotion. Oh I was freaking out about it. I read that passage like a month ago and have been thinking about it ever since. It took me two hours to do and I was still freaking out about it so I sent it to Justin to read over and check. Then after that I met up with Tyler and his friend Ella and we went to drive around North Omaha. I have had a desire to go there because of the motivation I get after seeing God's people suffer. So that was great and then we went to Hubble Park (I think that is what it is called) and drove around. It was so sweet. Not going to get into all of that. Then there was a great supper with them and Kylie and Kate, prayer we had before Converge to pray over everything to come, and an amazing message at Converge. When that was all over we went with a lot of people to this beautiful house by Gretna that was beyond amazing. They had a huge outdoor pool and an amazing view you couldn't help but be in awe of everything God has blessed the family with and the awe of the stars and nature all around. My day was beyond amazing. But then something happened.

To the title: I am in an absolutely amazing mood. I have had a great day of getting into God's Word and a great day of fellowship. But it is like nothing can keep me happy. Throughout the whole day I was actually feeling weird, I was having the devil feed me lies, and I was believing them. As I am sitting and enjoying myself in God's presence I also have a heart hurting and a mind going crazy. And it is all about the stuff talked about above. It is about the not opening up to people and not knowing how or if I even can. I have a hunger to talk to someone and I know my friends would be there but I don't know how to address it. I don't know how to go up to someone and say, "So the devil is attaching me, even though I my look great, and I am lost. I am learning so much right now about God and the Holy Spirit but yet I feel empty. I can literally fill the Holy Spirit at times but yet I have no idea what He wants me to do. Prayer about brings me into tears lately but I can't even talk to a friend." You can't just go say that to someone. Ha. Anyway this blog is long enough. I'll let you know where this goes later. :)